10 April 2014

Let Me Walk Upon The Waters

"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders. Let me walk upon the waters, wherever You would call me." - Oceans, Lyrics by Hillsong United
 This past weekend I attended a Young Adult Retreat in High Springs, FL. I was part of a group of about 75, looking to see what what in store in a retreat titled "Trust in the Lord."

Many beautiful things happened during this weekend. And many memorable things too. I camped. ( I don't camp - so this is quite memorable. Thank goodness it ended up being more like glamping!) I got food poisoning. Yikes! I took the beautiful 2 ½ hour drive solo and got to enjoy the Central Florida roads in springtime. We participated in mass everyday and read the Liturgy of the Hours. My small group leader was a smart, hilarious, devout, sassy nun from Connecticut (Sisters of Life) & we heard testimonies from other young adults & CFRs. Confession was offered all day (12 hours) on Saturday. A healing Eucharistic Procession took place. Of it all, the most impactful part of the weekend was both the Eucharistic Procession (a story for another time) and our 30 minute session of Lectio Divina.

Grab a cup of coffee & come back. I'm going to re-rewrite my exact words of what I journaled from Lectio Divina. This will be a little bit longer of a post, so really, grab that cup of coffee. I'll wait.

...ready?

April 5, 2014. Lectio Divina
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Lectio: Matthew 14:22-33 Walking on Water

It's 4 am. Salty, cold air hitting the boat; whipping the face. Hands burning from pulling the ropes so hard. Sails blowing in the haphazard, wild gusts. The sea is charcoal, its jaws of white tipped waves biting at them.
When Jesus walked, though the waves hurled and the wind blew, they did not effect Him.
Peter yelled out "Command Me!"
Peter pulled up his robe. With both hands on the side of the unstable boat, he put one foot out onto the water - which felt even and sturdy. Then another foot. The disciples stood in silence. Peter walked. There was no noise. The waves could only be seen in his periphery.
Then Peter looked down.
He started to sink.

Medidatio

Peter asked Jesus to command to do something extraordinary. But Peter doubted Jesus - doubting that God could really perform a miracle using him, for him. Peter sank. Peter needed to be saved from his own request of the extraordinary.

Oratio
"Command Me"

Contempatio

Jesus, I ask you to commission me. Recently, I've asked that you give me a mission as the missionary spirit has been stirring.
But I see Peter's response and realize that I worry - once I get the extraordinary I doubt it - its truth, its awesomeness, its beauty, its grace.
I doubt the extraordinary. It's so easy to distrust the extraordinary. I feel like extreme faith is needed. And that's a faith I don't think I have.
Help me to believe and trust the extraordinary. I live my life ignoring it. What about You in the Monstrance? What about all the graces You & Mother Mary provide? I act like it's no big deal - no, I act like I say it exists but treat it like it really doesn't. I don't glorify You in these things. I do not boast  of You. I act egotistical. I act "too cool". Let me soak in them and be drunk in them. Let me cherish them and appreciate them. Let me yearn for them and recognize the gift that they are when I encounter them.

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Throughout the retreat the song "Oceans" followed me. And on the drive home. And I've heard it everyday on the radio since. I think God is calling me to hike up my robe, grab hold of the boat, and flip my feet over to the other side. Because "in oceans deep, my faith will stand."


xo,



01 April 2014

My Testimony

Jesus answered them and said, “Amen, amen, I say to you, you are looking for me not because you saw signs but because you ate the loaves and were filled. - John 6:26
It was 2003. I sat in the pew of what is now my hometown parish (church) in awe of what I just heard. I was a bullet out of a gun & my life was altered from that day forward. This is my testimony.

Let's backtrack a handful of years.

My mom became very ill when I was in the 5th grade (circa 1995). She had, and still suffers from, progressive scoliosis. I grew up on a Christian home - went to Christian elementary school, attended Easter & Christmas services annually. The religion was always in the background but never an active, called upon resource for any joy or agony life could bring. I was taught to be kind to others, love God, be a good person.

When seventh grade came, my mom was still terribly sick. She was bedridden & I was angry. How could a "God" be cruel to let my mother suffer? How could a "God" allow her and my family to see and feel such pain? I decided to disown God. What God? There is no God.

By the time high school started I found myself lonely. It's the kind of lonely that maybe suicidal people feel - because honestly, those thoughts did cross my mind. I (thank goodness) decided that wasn't the answer, but that there HAD to be an answer out there. I could no longer support myself emotionally. I needed something bigger than myself to lean on.

All of high school and in the beginning of college I read. My research project: Does a God exist, who/what is that God?


  • Is there one god? Or many gods?
I looked at Buddhism, Taoism, Hinduism, Atheism, Agnosticism, Judaism, Muslim, Wiccan, Scientology. I went to a Buddhist temple. I went to the Scientology center. I visited a Mosque. I went to Jewish Temple. I discovered, there is only one god.


  • Ok, one god. Is god male or female or neither or both. I continued the search. 
It got to the point in my research, that I could no longer avoid (and I use avoid because that's what I did in the fullest) that Jesus is a requirement in the bigger picture.  Jesus is my savior. But this led to another important question: With so many denominations of Christianity, which one is the best right? I attended a Baptist church, a Lutheran church, an Anglican church, a non-denominational church and then about 3 other non-denominational churches. All of them had their take on what Jesus said. All of them had a different way to baptize.

As far as I knew it, Jesus only gave us one set of instructions - how come there are so many variations??

Back to 2003. Catholicism wasn't even on my radar. I had heard from so many of my Protestant friends that they are idolators & blasphemes. I adopted the negative ideology they had for the Catholic church without ever looking into it like I had so many other religions. My boyfriend at the time asked that I attend his cousin's confirmation. I went. I was a good girlfriend you know. My first impression was that it was "alright". And then he asked me to go to Sunday Mass the following week. I went, but still with my arms crossed figuratively.

This particular Sunday, the readings were on John 6:22-69, the Bread of Life Discourse. Ok, another parable. Jesus taught with parables. What struck me was the priest. He was quite animated & excited. By the end of it, I could see why. He walked across the sanctuary (stage, if you will) back and forth, all through the sermon. Hands held up, very "on fire" so to speak. He pointed out that Jesus repeated "Amen, amen" four times. There are many important facts to this. To say Amen means "I agree" or "So Be It". To say it twice means there is indisputable emphasis in the statement. Then the priest pointed out that Jesus said "Amen, amen" anytime someone questioned or disputed His statement "I am the Bread of Life, whoever eats my flesh and drinks my blood with have eternal life." Jesus said "Amen, amen" when they called him a cannibal & blasphemer.  He said "Amen, amen" when they asked Him if He was serious, because He just couldn't be serious. Jesus said "Amen, amen" when they questioned His divinity. Every other parable in the bible, you'll notice that when the listening ear didn't understand the point to be had, Jesus would explain it in a different way. But not this time. This was no parable. He persisted with the same statement. Eventually, they walked out on Him.

Jesus stuck to His statement and they (but the 12) all walked out on Him. Those were the people that saw Him heal the lame, blind, give life to the dead, perform miracle after miracle. But this statement was to hard to swallow (see what I did there :)).  They saw him perform miracles but that wasn't enough to make them stay. That wasn't enough to make them believe - not after a statement like this. They walked away and went back to their previous beliefs.

At the moment I heard these words, my life was forever changed. I was to be Catholic. I didn't know how - heck I didn't even know all of what they stood for. But I couldn't walk away from Jesus. I believed His amens.

For the following year, I attended RCIA (Rite of Catholic Initiation for Adults - see your local church, every parish has this ministry) My leader, Danny, equated me to a two year old. I always asked "Why?" to every tenant of the faith. But, why? I would continue. And the Church ALWAYS had an answer - and not a "Just because" or "That's the way it's always been" answer either. There was always an answer for everything, and everything always led back to Jesus and/or the covenants God made with us.

Easter of 2014, I will have been Catholic for 10 years. I have never looked back. Yes, there are times of doubt and deserts. But my faith is a relationship with the Lord. And relationships have dry spells sometimes, but there is an undying, unconditional (on His part - hey I'm human), LOVE that will never deteriorate.

It was the best decision I ever made for myself.

xo,




 P.S. click the link on the right called "Catholics Come Home" if you are a fallen away Catholic, are Catholic and looking for resources or aren't Catholic and just have questions about the faith.

P.S.S. My mom is still sick - please pray for her and my family. God is with her & He is glorified through this. At the very least, through my mother's illness, I found the Lord - that in and of itself is a blessing.